Local engineering student breaks the world record for “Fastest Abandonment of All Hope in a Semester,” as he reportedly gave up 14 minutes into the first Physics lecture of the semester. The previous record of 16 minutes was held by a first-year BBA student who, like millions of gullible teenagers, thought BBA was the easy way out in life.
Following a session of blaming his parents for his life choices, Sadman Sakib, the current world record holder told the press, “My first year at AUET was just me trying to inject my parents’ obsession with AUET into my veins. Unfortunately, in the second year, I genuinely started enjoying Physics, awed by lectures of Richard Feynman and Walter Lewin explaining intricate theories effortlessly.
“The transition from Lewin’s genius to dull PowerPoint slides made me give up on Physics, quickly. The first Quantum Mechanics class was just the lecturer pressing the right arrow on his keyboard for 13 minutes as we stared in horror at the slides. What the likes of Bohr, Schrödinger and Dirac worked on for decades, he covered within 13 minutes,” Sakib continued. “It took me 52 seconds to attain nirvana and realise that engineering is a scam. My only reward out of this would be to embrace this pyramid scheme, persuade juniors into believing that engineering is worth it and make some money out of it.”
“They killed Maths, dude!” Sakib reminisced on his experience at AUET. “Their slides would make Ramanujan sick of mathematics, reconsider his career as a poorly paid accountant and endure lifelong poverty. They took the passion out of bright young minds and stomped on it, much like home I suppose. Nothing good ever comes out of introducing boomers to technology. First, they ruined Facebook. And now Mathematics.”
“I did everything first year dreamers with a false sense of pride and heart full of enthusiasm do. I bought blue pens and markers for separate notes of each subject,” he sobbed. “Before the semester even started, I asked my seniors about the minimum CGPA necessary for getting a scholarship in the USA. Don’t know why they all laughed when I asked if 3.9 was good enough.”
As one reporter questioned Sakib’s decision of pursuing engineering, he sighed, “After HSC, I had many options. However, as a Bangladeshi, my parents take all my major life decisions for me. I did what every teenager in Bangladesh does when they realise they aren’t brave enough to follow their passion. I chose engineering.”
Regarding his future endeavours, Sakib sounded quite numb, “Childhood is when you aspire to be a faculty member. Adulthood is when you realise MBA was the answer all along. Having bullied BBA people my entire life, I’ll do what wise people before me have done to hide their unemployment – parkour my way to MBA. I’ll always have my AUETian tag though. Do you know what the difference between a cow and AUET is? You can’t milk a cow for 50 years.”